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[halians]

somewhere taair is feeling very stressed and he has no idea why

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Week 6, Sunday

[peripheries]

[In Meowsandry Lounge, curled up on the couch with Lady, petting her gently, because she is what Kaworu has in place of therapy. And she always seems to love him, even if he's done wrong by other people.]

[halians]

[ HELP THIS STARTER...

strohl's coming to set a plate of food down on the table near him - and a little dish full of fish pieces for lady too. ]

....Reeve for your thoughts? [ as he comes to plop down on the floor by him on the couch. what're you thinking about. ]

[peripheries]

I feel bad for Dante. All those things those people said during the execution, the things he felt about himself. ...I understand how he feels. I do not think he and I are so different.

[halians]

[ mm. thought so. he passes the plate over, scritches lady behind the ears, and leans back against the table. ]

That right? [ thoughtful... ] I think I could see it. Think I saw a little of myself there, too.

... Do you want to talk about it?

[peripheries]

The world has been unkind to him and we added to that unkindness. I added to that unkindness.

[He doesn't take the food, just keeps scritching Lady.]

Because I was too much of a coward to vote for who I thought it was.

[halians]

[ oh, honey. his expression softens a bit - pulling into a little frown, understanding flickering across his face. ]

Who were you leaning towards?

[peripheries]

Looking at everything... I had come to the conclusion that Rupert was the most likely culprit.

[halians]

[ a little nod. ]

...You were better than I. I think... now, in hindsight, it looks clear. But at the time, I don't know if I allowed myself to see it.

[ quiet, for a moment. ]

I think, in the end, many of us are cowardly. Whether we intend to be or not, we choose with our instincts.

[peripheries]

Not really. I had chosen not to see that it was Jonas. When he was under suspicion, I had already decided I would not vote for him no matter what.

[He sighs.]

Last time, I always voted for who it was. I thought that was right. Then when everyone refused to execute Haru, I realized the truth mattered far less than feelings. Even if I accused Rupert, I do not think it would have made a difference.

[halians]

[ he nods, listening along... and after a thoughtful moment of his own, responds with open vulnerability. ]

... I've struggled often with the same question, in our time here. I wrote Anders of it when we were separated, even, after I learned what her highness had done. He told me how difficult it can be to balance things, in terms of "justice" and "mortality", and how the heart of a man doesn't always align with the principles of what is just or not.

[ ... ]

This place is a poor metric for what matters and what doesn't, because the system is unjust to begin with. I don't know if you all dealt with killers who were not themselves, or not, in the Heavens. Here...it's hard, to picture some of those who have been forced to act acting. I wouldn't have attacked anyone, had I been given the choice, but my hand was taken from me. Compare that to someone like Asuka.

...I think the truth does matter - I think putting it out there matters. I think when people act in ways that are cruel and selfish, those things should be put to the light. There are people here I've yet to forgive, and I likely never will. [ there's one person in particular who he still really just. kind of detests, but he doesn't say it now, keeping that quietly to himself. ] But... in the end, we choose what we can live with. Whatever that might mean.

[peripheries]

I keep asking him those questions and he always answers for me and yet it never feels like enough. Even though I understand it in my mind, I cannot seem to accept in my heart that both of those things can be true.

[He sighs.]

I know. I know many are not acting on their own will. Which makes it even more difficult to know what to do. It's why this week, I did not want to vote for Rupert and see him punished. But I condemned Dante to a worse fate.

[WHO STROHL. SPILL DEETS. Still, he looks over at him wide-eyed.]

I think I am going to struggle to live with this.