allstars | pc catchall | kaworu

[halians]

somewhere taair is feeling very stressed and he has no idea why

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[halians]

[ mm. thought so. he passes the plate over, scritches lady behind the ears, and leans back against the table. ]

That right? [ thoughtful... ] I think I could see it. Think I saw a little of myself there, too.

... Do you want to talk about it?

[peripheries]

The world has been unkind to him and we added to that unkindness. I added to that unkindness.

[He doesn't take the food, just keeps scritching Lady.]

Because I was too much of a coward to vote for who I thought it was.

[halians]

[ oh, honey. his expression softens a bit - pulling into a little frown, understanding flickering across his face. ]

Who were you leaning towards?

[peripheries]

Looking at everything... I had come to the conclusion that Rupert was the most likely culprit.

[halians]

[ a little nod. ]

...You were better than I. I think... now, in hindsight, it looks clear. But at the time, I don't know if I allowed myself to see it.

[ quiet, for a moment. ]

I think, in the end, many of us are cowardly. Whether we intend to be or not, we choose with our instincts.

[peripheries]

Not really. I had chosen not to see that it was Jonas. When he was under suspicion, I had already decided I would not vote for him no matter what.

[He sighs.]

Last time, I always voted for who it was. I thought that was right. Then when everyone refused to execute Haru, I realized the truth mattered far less than feelings. Even if I accused Rupert, I do not think it would have made a difference.

[halians]

[ he nods, listening along... and after a thoughtful moment of his own, responds with open vulnerability. ]

... I've struggled often with the same question, in our time here. I wrote Anders of it when we were separated, even, after I learned what her highness had done. He told me how difficult it can be to balance things, in terms of "justice" and "mortality", and how the heart of a man doesn't always align with the principles of what is just or not.

[ ... ]

This place is a poor metric for what matters and what doesn't, because the system is unjust to begin with. I don't know if you all dealt with killers who were not themselves, or not, in the Heavens. Here...it's hard, to picture some of those who have been forced to act acting. I wouldn't have attacked anyone, had I been given the choice, but my hand was taken from me. Compare that to someone like Asuka.

...I think the truth does matter - I think putting it out there matters. I think when people act in ways that are cruel and selfish, those things should be put to the light. There are people here I've yet to forgive, and I likely never will. [ there's one person in particular who he still really just. kind of detests, but he doesn't say it now, keeping that quietly to himself. ] But... in the end, we choose what we can live with. Whatever that might mean.

[peripheries]

I keep asking him those questions and he always answers for me and yet it never feels like enough. Even though I understand it in my mind, I cannot seem to accept in my heart that both of those things can be true.

[He sighs.]

I know. I know many are not acting on their own will. Which makes it even more difficult to know what to do. It's why this week, I did not want to vote for Rupert and see him punished. But I condemned Dante to a worse fate.

[WHO STROHL. SPILL DEETS. Still, he looks over at him wide-eyed.]

I think I am going to struggle to live with this.