[ lmao! yeah! he looks like - maybe not surprised, but just saddened, because that is achingly familiar. give him a second to take a breath, in and out, but - it puts a small smile on his face, rueful, anyhow. ]
... I've told you before - no room for secrets or hidden sorrows, yeah? [ gently, but with his usual seriousness, the usual heft behind his words. genuine. ] I'd rather hear of your woes, raw as they are, so we might carry them together.
I'm glad you're back to yourself - that, above all. [ angry rupert was terrifying. 0/10 not again. ] And I know precisely how pointless it is to tell you it's not your fault, because I know that changes nothing about it, nor how violating it feels to have your agency stolen from you, and no amount of good intention or control changes what was done.
But, you'd likely also tell me to stop blaming myself if our positions were reversed. [ softer. ] So I'd offer you the same.
...When you died, I was - devastated doesn't do it justice. But when I found out what happened, I was at least glad that you didn't have to hurt anyone when you wanted so badly not to. [a beat.] Sorry, I'm not trying to compare the two things - what happened to you was terrible, too. And I know that it wasn't my fault? Like, logically, I know that.
I get it. [ he does, in a lot of ways. there's a pang of guilt that goes through him, a twist of something harsh through his chest, but. ] I didn't, in the end. Harm anyone. And you've been made to - by circumstance or cruelty, over and over again. It's the sort of thing that makes me want to scream, knowing it happened to you.
... I like to think I'm a logical person, but that hardly stops me from feeling. Think maybe it's better, that we do. [ to actually feel these things, the guilt and hurt and pain from hurting someone else. the numbness is terrifying, as empty as he'd been as the memories slowly drained out of his head. ] 's why I know there's nothing I can say that'll make anything close to right. No magic words or cure for it.
But I meant it when I said I'd stay by your side. If I can support you, then I will.
Sorry. I know - if you'd said anything like that to me, before, I probably would have been really angry.
[just - acknowledging that he's not exactly being fair here, but he takes a breath and looks up at the ceiling, wherever they are.]
Having you here helps a lot. Like - more than I can really say. I know we've said the people in these things are always the best part of it, but I feel like there's a few who stand out in terms of how important to they are to me? Like, people I can easily say changed my life. You're there, without question.
Maybe nothing's going to make this automatically better, but it would definitely be worse without here. I just want you to understand that.
[ nnnnoooo.... weh....... this totally and completely throws strohl for a loop! he looks so surprised, briefly at a loss for words. ]
I... [ I don't know what you see in me - don't think that. the instinct of self depreciation comes first, but he stops himself solely only for thoughtshare, which is kind of an improvement, and then ducks his head, bringing a hand to the back of his neck. ] ...You flatter me - truly, I'm grateful. And... I promise you, I feel exactly the same.
[ flustered, a little, but the warmth in his words is very, very genuine, and despite the context of the horrors of the conversation, it means the world to strohl in a brilliant, clear way. ]
I'm more glad that I've met you than I can ever say in words, Rupert, truly. And... you can always lean on me. No matter what. The only way out through these things is together, yeah?
What I see is someone kind and caring - and that's an understatement. Someone who cares fiercely about what's right, someone incredibly loyal and supportive to every person he calls a friend. Someone who would literally rather die than hurt someone that he didn't think deserved it, but someone who's brave enough to take care of things that need to be handled all the same.
[this is all very sweet but also]
And I've have a very bad weekend, so you have to agree with me, thanks in advance.
[ ....but it's definitely a little overdramatic on purpose, and while he's pink in the cheeks, the complaining is clearly good-natured even as he rolls his eyes. ] ...Though, I stand by everything I said, not just by my thoughts.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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...Less insane?
[still terrible. taking a breath.]
But - you know. I'm here.
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[ that he's here - there is notable relief on his face, even though it's complex, messy, a guilty emotion. before getting guilt cursed.
anyway. he manages a little smile, despite that, and nods. ]
... Do you want to talk about it? [ softer: ] Or, would you rather a distraction?
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just - winces, and then, quickly:]
Sorry, I... I know that's not fair.
[but he wonders if maybe strohl might get it better than most, though, considering.]
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... I've told you before - no room for secrets or hidden sorrows, yeah? [ gently, but with his usual seriousness, the usual heft behind his words. genuine. ] I'd rather hear of your woes, raw as they are, so we might carry them together.
I'm glad you're back to yourself - that, above all. [ angry rupert was terrifying. 0/10 not again. ] And I know precisely how pointless it is to tell you it's not your fault, because I know that changes nothing about it, nor how violating it feels to have your agency stolen from you, and no amount of good intention or control changes what was done.
But, you'd likely also tell me to stop blaming myself if our positions were reversed. [ softer. ] So I'd offer you the same.
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...When you died, I was - devastated doesn't do it justice. But when I found out what happened, I was at least glad that you didn't have to hurt anyone when you wanted so badly not to. [a beat.] Sorry, I'm not trying to compare the two things - what happened to you was terrible, too. And I know that it wasn't my fault? Like, logically, I know that.
[shakes his head.]
I don't know where I'm going with this.
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... I like to think I'm a logical person, but that hardly stops me from feeling. Think maybe it's better, that we do. [ to actually feel these things, the guilt and hurt and pain from hurting someone else. the numbness is terrifying, as empty as he'd been as the memories slowly drained out of his head. ] 's why I know there's nothing I can say that'll make anything close to right. No magic words or cure for it.
But I meant it when I said I'd stay by your side. If I can support you, then I will.
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[just - acknowledging that he's not exactly being fair here, but he takes a breath and looks up at the ceiling, wherever they are.]
Having you here helps a lot. Like - more than I can really say. I know we've said the people in these things are always the best part of it, but I feel like there's a few who stand out in terms of how important to they are to me? Like, people I can easily say changed my life. You're there, without question.
Maybe nothing's going to make this automatically better, but it would definitely be worse without here. I just want you to understand that.
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I... [ I don't know what you see in me - don't think that. the instinct of self depreciation comes first, but he stops himself solely only for thoughtshare, which is kind of an improvement, and then ducks his head, bringing a hand to the back of his neck. ] ...You flatter me - truly, I'm grateful. And... I promise you, I feel exactly the same.
[ flustered, a little, but the warmth in his words is very, very genuine, and despite the context of the horrors of the conversation, it means the world to strohl in a brilliant, clear way. ]
I'm more glad that I've met you than I can ever say in words, Rupert, truly. And... you can always lean on me. No matter what. The only way out through these things is together, yeah?
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to flick him on the forehead.]
What I see is someone kind and caring - and that's an understatement. Someone who cares fiercely about what's right, someone incredibly loyal and supportive to every person he calls a friend. Someone who would literally rather die than hurt someone that he didn't think deserved it, but someone who's brave enough to take care of things that need to be handled all the same.
[this is all very sweet but also]
And I've have a very bad weekend, so you have to agree with me, thanks in advance.
[OKAY]
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and there's a long pause ]
....Is it helping you feel better to give me a pep talk.
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Yes.
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Fine, fine...
[ ....but it's definitely a little overdramatic on purpose, and while he's pink in the cheeks, the complaining is clearly good-natured even as he rolls his eyes. ] ...Though, I stand by everything I said, not just by my thoughts.
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[just - easy and simple, heartfelt.]
...I'm glad you're back.
[imagine strohl still in the graveyard screaming gently as he watched this]