[ he turns his head to give him a smile. it's better that its him, honestly, but he won't say it. ] I'm made of tough stuff, you know. But I'm warmed further by your kindness as ever.
...It wasn't all bad, truthfully. Being back with Vi helped her, I know that much. [ and now they're all here together! ] Missed you, though.
Something about watching people examine your corpse really puts things into perspective...
[ strohl says, dryly - the little thought, though, catches his attention, and he - laughs, a huff of a wry, almost helpless noise. ]
You know, you really do wear your thoughts on your face, my friend. [ fondly. ] Alright, come on. Out with it. No buts, this time. There's no room for secrets or hidden sorrows, is there? These things are best shared.
[hesitating for a moment before he shrugs, frowning, but not at strohl.]
It's just...
[pausing for a moment, biting his lip in thought as he decides how to say this.]
I'm trying really hard to be, like, fair and understanding about what's happening and what's gone on, but it's just - being here is hard, when nothing is really anybody's fault, so there's nobody to be upset at. And I don't really want to talk to anyone about it for once, because most of the people I'm close to here are involved somehow, and they're all the kind of people who are going to feel guilty if I bring up why I've been having a hard time, even if I tell them it isn't their fault.
...Do you remember back - back when everything was happening with her highness? You let me get all of those things off my chest, reminded me that it was alright to feel the way that I felt. [ It was one of the moments that made me feel lucky, to be your friend. ] I'd rather like to return the favour.
[ a beat, and then - lighter, a little joking: ] And if I start to feel guilty, I am sure you'll be able to tell, so you can hit me with a shoe if that becomes the case yourself this time.
There's just - been a lot going on. It kinda feels like nothing's stopped for weeks, you know? There was the trip we went on, and then the weekend after that was - you know. And then this last one, with Haru, and... I think I know who the person we didn't find was, but I can't talk to them about it because I don't know how they'll react, and I can't tell the people that they're close to that I know for the same reason, so I just have to kind of deal with knowing they're all lying to me? Which, I mean, obviously that happens in places like this. It's not new. But it still hurts.
[ sweet baby.... he'll lead rupert to go find somewhere to sit so they can have this conversation quietly, and there's a gentle quirk of a smile at the appreciation, because he does too. I missed you terribly. he thinks, absently, as they're settling.
but... as rupert speaks, his expression softens easily into sympathy, a listening ear; rupert will see him jiggle his foot a little. ]
...Well. I can tell you that I figured it out, too; not from Ichiban saying so, he never told us. But... from a letter I received from the person. They didn't say anything, but I could tell. And... the people they're close to - at least one of them - certainly knows. But they didn't react as poorly to it as you might think, thought you didn't hear it from me.
[ All these damn vagueries. talking around everything all the time is the worst. but - as for the rest, he tilts his head back to look up for a moment, lacing his fingers together in his lap, thoughtful. ]
's really one of the worst parts of this whole system, yeah? That we just have to play along with it, pretend it doesn't bother us even when it does. The larger system is the enemy, even the stupid horse thinks so, but the stupid horse got to stomp its detractors to death and doesn't have to deal with basic morality.
There was more than one person on the other side who infuriated me at how derisively they treated the others when they were angry or upset. [ the absolute simsdown some of these people received ] If you ask me, being unhappy about it but still willing to move forward is a sign of a stronger person.
Jonas said something to me that was... The point is, you're right. I'm sure he knows. The feeling I get is that he would've been more angry if it was someone else doing the same thing, so you're probably right about him taking it better than I would've expected.
[quiet for a moment.]
I don't need to be a better person about it, or anything. I've done things wrong, too. A lot of things. I just...
[do you ever miss the person you had a chance to be before things kept going wrong?]
anyway he doesn't want to focus on any of that other stuff, especially as rupert talks through it - what really gets him is the last part, the part that makes strohl's heart twist in sympathy, in ache. he listens, both to his thoughts and words, and after a long moment of his own, sets his hand gently between his shoulderblades. ]
...yeah. [ softly, at first.
his gone wrong doesn't look like three murdergames because eli is the devil. it looks like home before halia was destroyed, the son he once was, the lost lordling. but, at the same time... ]
Course I do. Think that's natural; just another part of loss, yeah? Just another thing to grieve.
[ ... ]
Don't think there's anything wrong with feeling that way, but... Will always tells me I spend far too much time looking backwards. Can't change what's already happened, no matter how much I regret the things I've done, or the things that've happened, so... maybe that's part of it. Have to be able to mourn it, to be able to move on, eventually. Got to have room to feel those things, if you don't let them take you over.
[another moment of silence, taking all that in, before he takes a breath and nods.]
Yeah. I'm trying, I really am. I think... that'll get easier when I'm out of here. At least the next time something goes wrong, I'll have more I can do about it.
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Exhausted. I've learned I'm a bloody terrible spectator, Rupert.
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[you didn't deserve any of this.]
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[ he heard that thought - immediately, firmly. ]
Neither do any of us. Exactly why we're going to burn this whole thing down - and we're steps closer to it now than we were before.
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[after a moment:]
Just a few more weeks. But - still. I'm sorry you had to deal with all that.
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[ he turns his head to give him a smile. it's better that its him, honestly, but he won't say it. ] I'm made of tough stuff, you know. But I'm warmed further by your kindness as ever.
...It wasn't all bad, truthfully. Being back with Vi helped her, I know that much. [ and now they're all here together! ] Missed you, though.
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[his thoughts kind of buzz for a second like he's trying not to think anything too specific, but he nods. warmly:]
I missed you, too.
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...Reeve for your thoughts?
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Not anything worth dwelling on, promise.
[no bummers.]
There's a lot to be happy about today, anyways. You guys are here. I'd rather focus on that instead.
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...If you say so. [ Though I'll likely dwell on it more if you don't tell me. but he'll acquiesce to it relatively easily, and ducks his head. ]
We are. Feels a bit odd, but I'm glad for it; letters do little justice.
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Definitely. But - feels odd how, exactly?
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[ strohl says, dryly - the little thought, though, catches his attention, and he - laughs, a huff of a wry, almost helpless noise. ]
You know, you really do wear your thoughts on your face, my friend. [ fondly. ] Alright, come on. Out with it. No buts, this time. There's no room for secrets or hidden sorrows, is there? These things are best shared.
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It's just...
[pausing for a moment, biting his lip in thought as he decides how to say this.]
I'm trying really hard to be, like, fair and understanding about what's happening and what's gone on, but it's just - being here is hard, when nothing is really anybody's fault, so there's nobody to be upset at. And I don't really want to talk to anyone about it for once, because most of the people I'm close to here are involved somehow, and they're all the kind of people who are going to feel guilty if I bring up why I've been having a hard time, even if I tell them it isn't their fault.
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...I think I understand.
[ there's quiet, for a moment, thoughtful. ]
...Do you remember back - back when everything was happening with her highness? You let me get all of those things off my chest, reminded me that it was alright to feel the way that I felt. [ It was one of the moments that made me feel lucky, to be your friend. ] I'd rather like to return the favour.
[ a beat, and then - lighter, a little joking: ] And if I start to feel guilty, I am sure you'll be able to tell, so you can hit me with a shoe if that becomes the case yourself this time.
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Shoe at the ready, got it.
[i really do appreciate it.]
There's just - been a lot going on. It kinda feels like nothing's stopped for weeks, you know? There was the trip we went on, and then the weekend after that was - you know. And then this last one, with Haru, and... I think I know who the person we didn't find was, but I can't talk to them about it because I don't know how they'll react, and I can't tell the people that they're close to that I know for the same reason, so I just have to kind of deal with knowing they're all lying to me? Which, I mean, obviously that happens in places like this. It's not new. But it still hurts.
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but... as rupert speaks, his expression softens easily into sympathy, a listening ear; rupert will see him jiggle his foot a little. ]
...Well. I can tell you that I figured it out, too; not from Ichiban saying so, he never told us. But... from a letter I received from the person. They didn't say anything, but I could tell. And... the people they're close to - at least one of them - certainly knows. But they didn't react as poorly to it as you might think, thought you didn't hear it from me.
[ All these damn vagueries. talking around everything all the time is the worst. but - as for the rest, he tilts his head back to look up for a moment, lacing his fingers together in his lap, thoughtful. ]
's really one of the worst parts of this whole system, yeah? That we just have to play along with it, pretend it doesn't bother us even when it does. The larger system is the enemy, even the stupid horse thinks so, but the stupid horse got to stomp its detractors to death and doesn't have to deal with basic morality.
There was more than one person on the other side who infuriated me at how derisively they treated the others when they were angry or upset. [ the absolute simsdown some of these people received ] If you ask me, being unhappy about it but still willing to move forward is a sign of a stronger person.
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Jonas said something to me that was... The point is, you're right. I'm sure he knows. The feeling I get is that he would've been more angry if it was someone else doing the same thing, so you're probably right about him taking it better than I would've expected.
[quiet for a moment.]
I don't need to be a better person about it, or anything. I've done things wrong, too. A lot of things. I just...
[do you ever miss the person you had a chance to be before things kept going wrong?]
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anyway he doesn't want to focus on any of that other stuff, especially as rupert talks through it - what really gets him is the last part, the part that makes strohl's heart twist in sympathy, in ache. he listens, both to his thoughts and words, and after a long moment of his own, sets his hand gently between his shoulderblades. ]
...yeah. [ softly, at first.
his gone wrong doesn't look like three murdergames because eli is the devil. it looks like home before halia was destroyed, the son he once was, the lost lordling. but, at the same time... ]
Course I do. Think that's natural; just another part of loss, yeah? Just another thing to grieve.
[ ... ]
Don't think there's anything wrong with feeling that way, but... Will always tells me I spend far too much time looking backwards. Can't change what's already happened, no matter how much I regret the things I've done, or the things that've happened, so... maybe that's part of it. Have to be able to mourn it, to be able to move on, eventually. Got to have room to feel those things, if you don't let them take you over.
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Yeah. I'm trying, I really am. I think... that'll get easier when I'm out of here. At least the next time something goes wrong, I'll have more I can do about it.